The Lunxicon

One of my favorite courtesy titles for the fine, fair females of the world is, “toots.” Maybe it’s because Dustin Hoffman was a total babe in drag; maybe I just like the sharp sound of the word—the consonancy of the hard T’s at either end, dragged out by that sneaky S. Over the years, however, “toots” has lost its popularity. It seems to have taken on a negative connotation. This is due in part, no doubt to its originating in an age of much greater sexual inequality. It’s the sort of word you imagine a hard drinking, chain smoking, womanizing private detective from the 50s tossing out there at the various clients he has ravaged.

I decided to test the waters—to try tootsing a few ladies. Last night, as I was coming home from class, I bought a $4 Metrocard (I already have an unlimited monthly pass, but money is no object when it comes to my diction detective work) from the lady in the token booth. She was a large, gruff-looking woman with a rather impressive scowl and several chins. I had every intention of saying “thanks, toots,” after receiving my card, but before I could even begin to spit out the second word of that phrase, she let out a half grunt, half snort (a snunt? a grort?) worthy of even the most constipated dragon, which I took as an omen of what might happen should I carry out my plan.

I decided to try it out on someone with whom I am a little more familiar. When I got home, I checked my e-mail and chatted with a few people. I saw that my current shorty (no pun intended, toots) was online, so I greeted her with “hey there, toots.” Her reaction was nonexistent, although later on she said that she had laughed at my use of the term. A promising start, but I figured she would not be too fazed by that little pet name. A more accurate litmus test had to be conducted—on a stranger or someone I didn’t know well.

This morning I got a drink at the deli by my office. Since I am only going to be working here for a couple more weeks (anybody want to give me a job?) and I never really hit up the store anyway, I went for it.

“Is that all?”
“You betcha, toots.”
“Excuse me?” Note that this was accompanied by a very aggressive and unappreciative rolling of the neck and skull, as well as elevation of the eyebrows. There may or may not have been a hands-on-hips gesture also.
“Um… thanks… just thanks, that’s all.” I placed my $1.25 on the counter and strolled out less than casually.

Yeah, that didn’t go so well.

According to the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, “toots” originated between 1940–45. Short for “toots,” it is defined as “an affectionate or familiar term of address; honey; baby (sometimes offensive when used to strangers, casual acquaintances, subordinates, etc., esp. by a male to a female).” Hmmm, so it appears it is ok to toots some women, but not those with whom you are particularly close. It is interesting to note that “tootsie” is defined in the same dictionary as: “1. a sweetheart; darling” and “2. a prostitute.” This helps explain the difference between calling the young lady at the deli toots and addressing my lady friend in the same manner. I was calling the former a hooker and the latter a sweetheart.

Now that I understand the power and confusion of the word, I will continue to use “toots,” but only when appropriate. If some woman gets out of line and deserves a jab from my verbal epee, she may well get tootsed. On my next evening out with the young lady I am seeing, I will probably toots her.

So, to all the tootsers, let me just say this: Know your context.