The Lunxicon

Yeah, I said it. What?

By “What,” of course, I mean, “Whatever happened to saying ‘FACE!’ to someone after zinging them super hard?” I mean, I guess I understand the idea that if you really tear someone down, then you should just let the zing speak for itself. After all, humility and modesty are admirable virtues, and following up with a sharp “FACE!” can be both corny and inappropriate—kind of like saying “oh, snap,” after your own quip. But every now and then I like to rub shit in even more.

For example, imagine you are at your 10-year high school or college reunion and run into one of the typical white-hatted spare parts who used to talk really loudly in the cafeteria about how much he drank the night before and/or whose ass he kicked. In the decade that has passed since you parted ways, you will of course have found your niche and thrived, attaining both monetary and spiritual success, while the turd-nugget in question took a couple extra years to finish his Liberal Arts requirements because, well, reading is for fags. After knocking up the pass-around girl who frequents his local watering hole and being faced with either marrying her or being mauled by her hulking brothers, he made his parents proud and got married at the local church, right around the time he got a job as a file clerk at his local daily paper. You will have heard this through the grapevine. So, you decide to walk up to ol’ Chad and have a little chat (note, such instances of unctuousness are acceptable, as they are means to a very justified end):

“So, Chad, what you up to these days?”
“Oh, hey there. You know, just working, taking care of the kid. I’m a family man now.”
“REALLY? Wow, that’s interesting. Personally, I couldn’t imagine having kids so young. I value my freedom too much. That and all the random sex with strippers and ballerinas. Where are you working?”
“Oh, I work at the Minot Tribune.”
“What do you do there?”
“Oh, I work in cataloging.”
“So, you’re a file clerk?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“REALLY? That’s interesting. I started my own Web design firm. Actually, we were going to work with the Tribune, but they refused to meet our price demands. I suppose that’s because they spend all their money paying their highly qualified file clerks to alphabetize and shred all day, huh?”
“Uh…”
“FACE! YEAH, BITCH! MOTHERFUCKING FAAAAACE!“

You see how beautiful an exchange ending in “FACE!” can be?

Anyway, in thinking about the word, I tried to find some etymological history behind it, but to no avail. Fear not, though! I will put my own anus on the line, here, and say that it comes from the more verbose and less effective, “in your face.” However, since this more colloquial and/or stupid definition of “face” wasn’t in any of my usual go-to sources, I clicked on over to urbandictionary.com to see what they had to offer. Of the 79 definitions offered (many of which were exactly the same, except with variations in the expletives used), the following entry, provided by someone by the very long name of Guess Who? The one n only, was my favorite:

Simply…
It Stands For:
F-Freaky
A-Ass
C-Coochie
E-Eater

That Spanish Nigga is a FACE.

That said, I am certainly not going be using the word in this manner because it is just retarded. In fact, I even gave it a thumbs down on the site, so it’s now 3 and 3.

So take that, Mr. Guess Who? The one n only. FACE! FACE!